UEA Concrete TV

Oh Seven Heaven

2007-01-15T14:36:00.000Z

From braces and a fashion faux-pas poncho to plastic surgeons and the Fox River Eight, Natasha Kundaiker takes a look at the returning favourites and the new shows set to take the country by storm in 2007.

With 2006 firmly behind us, it’s out with the old and in with the new, and it is no different for the array of television programmes arriving on our screens. As we wave goodbye to the likes of Robin Hood and CSI: Miami, the new year brings in a tide of shows to keep us entertained.

2007 brings in two new shows from the US, one in the form of an apparently ugly fashion magazine secretary and the other a band of genetically mutated misfits.
Channel 4 leads the way with the quirky comedy Ugly Betty. It has won audiences stateside and is now doing the same in the UK, with its first episode drawing in over 4.5 million viewers. If Ugly Betty proves a substantial hit, Channel 4 may just have found that crowd-pleasing show to fill the gaping hole left in its Friday night schedule by the end of Friends.

The digital channel Sci-Fi brings us the other smash-hit from the US – Heroes. Hitting our shores on February 19, Heroes follows a group of people whose DNA has mutated and developed to give them different and unique powers. The characters are all linked and even if they don’t know it, their fates are tied together. Their ultimate destiny? Nothing less than saving the world of course. You’ll hear no end to the hype of the show, even if it is just us writers at The Event constantly chirping on about how wonderful it is. It is a fantastic show and we just can’t seem to get enough, especially now that ex-Doctor Christopher Eccleston is joining the cast.

With a killer storyline, engaging characters, the creepy serial-killer villain Sylar and the great tag line of ‘Save the cheerleader, Save the world’ – what’s not to love? If you don’t have Sci-Fi, fear not: BBC2 has also picked up the show for airing in June. Even though it is six months away, it is well worth the wait and if it gets a response anywhere near like in the US, Heroes looks to be a sure fire hit in the UK.

E4 brings us another new show, but this time it’s home-grown. Brit drama Skins, an off-beat series from the makers of Shameless, focuses on a group of 17 year olds, though it is worlds away from the flowery ideals of Grange Hill and even The O.C. Skins is ostensibly more adult in nature, with its characters popping pills in their spare time, partying all night and pushing boundaries like only teenagers can. The nine-part drama starts on E4 from January 25 and stars Nicholas Holt, best known for his role in About A Boy.

This season’s terrestrial TV appears to be in the thrall of Channel 4. Alongside Ugly Betty, we have the return of some old favourites like Shameless and Shipwrecked. We’ll finally find out what happened to Mike as Desperate Housewives returns to the Wednesday night slot with its third season following the high jinks of the wacky residents of Wisteria Lane.

Prepare for a strong dose of drama on Monday nights as the Emmy Award winning ER is back on Channel 4 in its thirteenth season. After the tumultuous and shocking moments of the previous finale, we get thrown straight back into action to deal with the aftermath of the shooting. Though it has lost most of its original cast, ER is still proving it can pull the punches, delivering one gripping storyline after another.

Everyone would have heard by now that Channel 4 will no longer be showing Lost. If that news it is too much for anyone to bear, unfortunately you Lost-a-holics will have to shell out for Sky One (or watch online). If you do, not only will you have Lost but you’ll also have the Golden-Globe winning Nip/Tuck to add to your television repitore for Monday nights. Yes, the grogeous but deadly Dr. Christian Troy and troubled Dr. Sean McNamara are back. If you’re the star spotting type, look out for Kathleen Turner and Brooke Sheilds, both of whom will guest star in this fourth season.

Channel 4 will suffer another blow this year with the recent announcement that pop culture phenomenon The O.C. will end in only its fourth season. With ratings declining, networks decided to pull the plug despite fan protests, with the last episode airing in late February in the US. Never fear you Josh Schwartz fans, as The O.C. creator has two new shows up his sleeves, with the pilot episodes for Gossip Girl and Crumbs both having been picked up by major US networks.

The Beeb are bringing back the ‘original reality TV show’ Castaway, after a five year absence from our screens. Instead of a cold, wet Scottish island, the contestants will be shipped of an undisclosed but exotic location. This spring we also see the return of the great sci-fi classic Doctor Who. After the tantalising Christmas special and a host of Who themed shows over the holidays (not to mention the Cybermen dancers at the Kylie Showgirl tour) we can only wait for the wonders in the third series. With the introduction of the new companion Martha Jones, an appearance by William Shakespeare and of course the Daleks, the new series looks set to be a winner.

Prison Break also makes its long-awaited comeback on January 15, with FIVE sparing no expense to advertise it anywhere they can. The imperceptive viewer would think that once they’ve actually broken out of the prison that’d be the end of the series - because of course once they escape no one will ever think of looking for them. However it is only the start of the long journey ahead of brothers Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield. The show manages to maintain its grasp in the second series, with the manhunt for the ‘Fox River Eight’ providing gripping drama and even comedic touches. It is better than ever, proving the second (and hopefully a third) series can be just as good as the first.

At other end of the spectrum of brotherly love, ITV2 brings those sexy Winchester brothers back to our screens from January 28 in Supernatural. The second season is more emotionally charged, darker and even better than the first. Alas, they do have a clown episode, so steer clear of that one if you are faint hearted or prone to nightmare-induced sleepless nights.

It looks set to be a stellar year for television, lets just hope they don’t do a Torchwood and ruin it all at the final moments.

Dracula

2007-01-15T14:31:00.000Z

Bram Stoker’s Dracula is one of the most famous novels from the last two hundred years, and this new adaptation, starring Hustle’s Marc Warren as the Count and Sophia Myles as Lucy Westenra, takes a stab at bringing a raunchier modern take on it. Suffice to say, it is successful in portraying the underlying eroticism and the sexual repression of Victorian life present in the novel, however it some of its plot developments are truly a stab in the dark.

Viewers not familiar with Stoker’s novel will probably find this version entertaining and better than most of the Dracula film and TV adaptations that have come before it. But for this reviewer, the liberties taken with the plot are too much of a change. First of all Jonathan Harker is sidelined and killed off, Van Helsing is portrayed as a snivelling wreck and the villain Dracula is far and away from striking fear into the hearts of men. One would think that by having David Suchet under its wing, they would use him more wisely.

The writers take the theme of immortality from the novel and run with it. The minor character Arthur Holmwood (Dan Stevens) is made the protagonist and by giving him syphilis, they seek make Dracula’s arrival to England all part of Holmwood’s search for a cure to his disease.

It would be a decent piece of television, were it not for the shockingly bad editing and constant plot jumps. An intricate plot of such magnitude feels rushed in the 90 minutes provided. Dracula is a disappointment to say the least considering the hype. The only comfort one can find in this version is that it was produced by Granada and not the BBC.

Natasha Kundaiker

Ugly Betty

2007-01-15T13:59:00.000Z

When the Colombian telenovela Yo soy Betty, la fea (“I am Betty, the Ugly”) aired in 1999, it sent shockwaves across the globe, prompting worldwide release and even successful remakes in Mexico, Germany, Russia and India. Now it is quite literally America’s turn.

Betty Suarez, played by America Ferrera, is a budding writer but despite being smart and hard-working, her dream has always been shadowed by the fact that she isn’t the most attractive young woman. Ironically, when she finally gets a job at the glossy New York fashion magazine Mode, she is hired for her looks. Publishing magnate Bradford Meade (Alan Dale) has specifically employed the unattractive Betty to stop his Mode editor son, Daniel (Eric Mabius), from his playboy ways.

Betty is an endearing and loveable character, and even though her naivety is sometimes taken advantage of, we still see her as a shining example of what a good person should be, irrespective of their appearance. Though she eventually finds out why she really got the job, it doesn’t dishearten her and she strives to be the best she can be, which makes her all the most likeable. The Suarez family offers a glimpse in to the hardened but happy life of a working family and they are just as entertaining and charming as Betty herself.

As will all the other versions of the show, there is no doubt that eventually our Betty will undergo a make-over, transforming her from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. However let’s hope that instead of falling for her boss Daniel or settling for ex-boyfriend Walter, Betty manages to make a better choice – hopefully in the form of accountant Henry (Christopher Gorham) who appears later in the series.

Vanessa Williams stands out as Wilhelmina Slater, the highly entertaining Cruella-De-Vil-esque villain who seeks to drive a wedge between Daniel and Bradford and to sabotage Daniel’s newfound job so she can move up the career ladder. As the embodiment of all that is cynical and manipulative about the business of appearances, striving for beauty and greed, she makes the perfect opposite to Betty.

But it is not all fun and games. Behind all the cosy comedy lies a sinister back story, focusing on the mysterious death of the much-revered old editor of Mode, Fey Sommers, and a behind the scenes scheme involving a hostile takeover of the Meade Publications. Though it is a tad melodramatic, it adds more depth to the plot in a bid to keep viewers watching week after week, and the style echoes the niggling mystery that kept audiences hooked on Desperate Housewives in its first season.

Don’t hold the fact that it stars Jim Robinson from Neighbours against it, as Ugly Betty is a warm-hearted, touching and entertaining comedy. Even if you have no interest in the fashion industry or soap operas, it still manages to draw you in with gushes of charm, wit and family appeal that will have you beaming from ear to ear. And with Extras’ star Ashley Jensen and Salma Hayek on the cast, Ugly Betty is definitely the one to watch.

Natasha Kundaiker

TOP FIVE TV TREATS on Channel 4 this Fortnight

2007-01-15T13:38:00.000Z

1. Ugly Betty (Fri 21:30) – In the fashionable, stick-thin world of Mode magazine, how will the geeky Queens girl Betty Suarez fit in?

2. Celebrity Big Brother (Weekdays 21:00) – Like Marmite, you either love it or you hate it but it’s back...and so is Jade.

3. Desperate Housewives (Wed 22:00) – The hit US comic drama returns for a third series and, as usual, things aren’t always what they seem...

4. The O.C. (Sun 14:55) – Everybody’s favourite teen drama enters its fourth and final season. But as the gang struggle to adjust to life without Marissa, will their friendships survive these troubled times?

5. ER (Mon 22:00) – We finally return to the halls of Chicago’s County General hospital. But will Abbey and Kovac’s baby boy survive?

By Nikki Jones

Neighbours Week 1

2007-01-15T13:20:00.000Z

Well, it’s not been a happy holiday for the Timmonses, as Sky’s revelation that Stingray is in fact the father of her baby breaks the family apart. Dylan disowns Stingray as a brother, Janelle chucks him out of the house and Rachel ends their relationship. Just what a recovering alcoholic wants and it’s not long before he raids the mini-bar. He and Sky vow to support each other at least. However, crazy new character Teresa, fixated with Sky and her baby, becomes all territorial and tells him Sky doesn’t want him.

Further down the ward, Max’s mental health starts to deteriorate for real and he runs away. Toadie flies back from Sydney to help Steph in her anguish (subtle), and we see the return of ‘Angry Boyd’ as he becomes aggressive in the search for Max. Elle, guilty for her part in Max’s downfall, and grieving Dylan find comfort in each other’s arms.

Meanwhile, Ned’s and Katya’s relationship becomes more serious, but she has a fight on her hands in the form of Carmella. Four newbies move into Number 30: laid-back Will; Carmella’s sister, Rosetta; and fake couple, Pepper and Frazer. Is nothing left sacred in this soap that they need a fake couple? And just as things are going well between Lou and Janelle, Mishka makes a dramatic return!

Lucy Purcell

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman 1993-1997

2007-01-15T12:22:00.000Z

If Smallville is Superman for teens, then Lois & Clark was Superman for the ladies. Specifically conceived for the 18-25 female demographic, the show’s focus was on the romance of the eponymous couple, with the inevitable yet protracted resolution of their flirtations setting the bar for will-they-won’t-they television romance when Ross and Rachel were but a twinkle in the eye.

Everything from the tempering of Clark Kent’s traditional bumbling to publicity shots of the stars wrapped naked in Superman’s red cape screamed one thing: the brand might be Superman, but the heart is Lois and Clark. This dichotomy was so important to the conception of the show that DC Comics were pressured into postponing the planned marriage of the couple in the comics for fears it may compromise the romantic tension.

Though unashamedly courting the female audience, there was plenty here for the guys to enjoy too. If the weekly third act action set-piece (complete with the tights and flights outlawed on Smallville) wasn’t enough to keep the less sentimental viewer from wandering, there was always FHM’s sexiest woman in the world 1997 to hold the attention of the less sentimental of viewers.

Neil Huitson

Frasier

2007-01-14T11:22:00.000Z

As a spin-off of Cheers, who would have thought Frasier could be even more popular than its parent? Set in Seattle, the show explores the life of verbose Doctor Crane (Kelsey Grammer), providing much insight into his character. The eleven series cover the psychiatrist’s many trials and triumphs in life and love, but the key to Frasier is the character dynamic. Contrast between characters is vast, yet they share enough to hold them together, and their differences complement each other. Indeed, much of the show’s success is due to cast camaraderie.

Although Frasier’s bouts of pomposity are irritating at times, they are regularly punctured by his family and friends, which is the source of much of the comedy. Grammer plays the part skilfully, so Frasier’s grandiosity is rarely overpoweringly annoying and he’s actually rendered rather endearing by his insecurities as he negotiates his love-life with help from his sexually-predatory producer and friend, Roz (Peri Gilpin). Frasier gains new dimensions as he rebuilds relationships with his father, Martin (the wonderful John Mahoney) and brother, Niles (David Hyde Pierce), and cements new ones with Roz and Daphne (Jane Leeves), bringing about some cosy “ah” moments which, however, never get too cloying.

Hyde Pierce has by far the best lines, many of which centre on his never-seen wife Maris, and his instant and continuous adoration and hair-smelling of Daphne, and he is particularly brilliant at physical comedy. However, the gorgeous doggy-features and astounding training render Eddy (Moose/Enzo) the scene-stealer whenever he’s on camera.

Despite the show centring on Frasier, some of the best moments don’t even feature him: season three, episode thirteen entitled Moon Dance is a perfect example of Niles’ infatuation with Daphne, and her total inability to see it. Frasier has that rare, brilliant gift of laughing-so-much-you-almost-wet-yourself combined with truly touching, pass-the-tissues moments, as revealed in the dance scene when Niles proves to his snotty “friends” he’s not broken by his divorce with Maris.

When Niles and Daphne finally get together, as is always the case with this sort of situation, the show’s dynamic changes. However, despite some of the angst magic being lost, the show by no means loses its way, and the final series is just as acerbic as ever, thanks to the large number of writers keeping it fresh, as well as the great efforts of the cast.

Regrettably, some episodes fail to live up to the show’s good name, for example when Frasier and Lilith (Bebe Neuwirth) go to extremes to get Freddy into an exclusive boarding school; situations are taken too far and become aggravating rather than funny. However, none of these episodes feature Bebe “The Devil” Glazer (Harriet Sansom Harris) who provides some stupendously immoral comic moments whenever she’s about; the only down-side being she doesn’t appear often enough.

There are plenty of tongue-in-cheek moments to savour though, for instance, after a radio show, Frasier asks Niles, “Guess which thriving Seattle nightspot is finally closing its doors?” to which Niles responds “Roz, you’re leaving?”; one of many instances of a perfect marriage between wit and physical comedy, as Roz, to Niles’ horror, licks the rare first edition in his hands.

Sometimes the writers miss the mark and some of the wit is exchanged for too much farce, and, understandably with so many of them, some series are not as good as others. Fortunately however, this is a rare occurrence, and with such a fantastic combination of cast and writers, and because it had enough sense and dignity to bow out on a high, Frasier is definitely up there with the best classic TV shows.

Holly Curtis

Who's the best Doctor - Jon Pertwee, The Third Doctor (1970-1974)

2006-12-08T17:38:00.000Z

The best Doctor is, obviously, the Third Doctor, played by Jon Pertwee (who just so happened to be the voice of Spotty in Superted, if you didn’t know). His personality was refined, his outfit included an opera jacket and he was debonair whilst being tacky enough to incorporate nonsense such as the “Whomobile” into his inventory. Clearly the man was on top of his game. What’s not to love? He doesn’t take no for an answer, as well as being the first doctor with enough balls to actually physically attack his enemies, instead of fleeing or trying to reason with words. He managed to stumble upon some great enemies, too: it was the Third Doctor that originally encountered fan-favourite The Master, as well as the Autons.

For most of his run, before he was killed on the planet of the spiders, he was exiled by the time lords to Earth. His grumpy resentment of his post was curiously endearing, as was watching him trading his intelligence with UNIT for materials to make repairs to the TARDIS. He often displayed a real warmth and fondness for humanity, a trait we’ve seen in all the doctors ever since. Pertwee was a pioneer, and there’s little he missed out on during his run. He’s got it all.

Martin Gaston

Who's your favourite Doctor? Do you agree with Martin - is Pertwee the best? Email us at concrete.tvdigital@uea.ac.uk

Top 5 things to watch this fortnight

2006-12-05T16:17:00.001Z

1. Forest Gump (C4, Dec 10, 21:00) - This brilliant Academy Award winning film starring Tom Hanks is something you must see at least once in your life. Not to be missed.

2. Nigella’s Christmas Kitchen (BBC2, Wed 20:00) – Just the thing to get you in the festive mood and avoid the gruelling pangs of undercooked turkey.

3. Tsunami, the Aftermath (BBC2, Dec 5, 21:00) - The concluding part of the controversial and emotionally moving dramatisation of the 2004 Asian tsunami.

4. 10 Years Younger (C4, Wed 20:00) – Yes, its back, with more extreme transformations that ever before.

5. Take That Live The Ultimate Tour (ITV,
Dec 8, 23:00) – The 90s boy band reunite. You know you love them really!

Neighbours Week 11

2006-12-05T11:45:00.000Z

After Cameron’s death, Elle admits to Dylan that her illness was faked, and he realises Skye is the one for him- though she still hasn’t told him Stingray is her baby’s real father. In an eventful week for Boyd, he discovers his lecturer has been stealing drugs from the hospital - only to be framed for the robbery himself. Janae ends up being sacked as a hospital cleaner after trying to slap some sense into the guilty doctor, while Boyd desperately plans to set Katya up for the crime.

Bree works out that Anne is trying to steal her life, chasing after Zeke and trying to destroy her relationship with Janae, and Anne goes one step forward by securing Zeke as her date to the year nine school formal.

A newly found addiction to raspberry cordial fuels Harold’s sudden desire to knit after his return from Svetlanka’s. Lou, still possibly suffering from Alzheimer’s, plays up his symptoms to charm Janelle. A grief-stricken Paul is driven to murder and Lyn, meanwhile attempting to keep her house during a vicious court battle, desperately tries to protect him from the law. Ned outsmarts his only personal training client, Loris, also Janae’s wealthy grandmother, proving he’s more than just a handbag.

Kiera O’Brien

Only Fools and Horses

2006-12-05T11:41:00.000Z

“…Why do only fools and horses work? La-la-la-la-lah, La-lala-la, La-la-la-la-lah, La-lala-la”. Broadcast on the BBC since 1981, the famous Trotters have been a regular Christmas pastime, rekindling the family spirit within us. The series revolves around two brothers with an age gap which proves to be a large chasm as they don’t always see eye to eye. Played by national treasure David Jason, Del Boy, the typical wheeler dealer, attempts to be the bread winner of the family, looking after his younger brother Rodney and granddad Albert.

Although things rarely turn out cushty, he never loses his raison d’être. Perhaps they are not quite the parallel to our own families, however their bantering yet good intentioned manner is not far from home. Unbeknown to some, the series became so popular that phrases from the show grew to be an official part of our English language. In 2003, the phrase ‘Lovely jubbly’ was incorporated into the new Oxford English Dictionary. This is definitely one of the best British TV comedies. God bless Hooky Street, don’t be a twonk and watch this brilliant TV classic! It just wouldn’t be the same at Christmas if you didn’t hear a bit of good old cockney English slang and Del Boy saying, “Rodney, you plonker!”

Amanda Lim

Planet Earth

2006-12-05T11:00:00.000Z

Sundays aren’t known for being exciting. Most of us spend it adding the final licks to an essay, a frenzied formula of proof reading and spellchecking. Others spend the day of rest in their pyjamas, marking each hour that passes with another Ibuprofen, and uttering promises that they’ll never drink again.

Even television takes the day off. Unless you’re entertained by the drudgery of an Albert Square omnibus or the teenage tomfoolery of T4 then you’ll find little comfort on the box. Yes, whether your Sundays are a stream of self loathing or self evaluation, it seems there’s no escape.
But there is an alternative: a potent natural high promising an exhilarating trip; an epic and enthralling experience; an entirely legal portal into another realm where you’ll doubt your senses - yes, it’s BBC’s Planet Earth.

The groundbreaking series travels across 62 countries collecting high definition footage of nature’s most astounding sights. From the artic agony of the emperor penguins to the spectacular sight of lions and elephants sharing a waterhole, every moment of this tour-de-force is praiseworthy. Whether it’s animal, vegetable or mineral, Planet Earth never fails to astound!

Unlike other nature programmes, there’s a genuine sense of awe in Planet Earth. The programme makers are only interested in portraying the fearful symmetry of nature and they make no attempt to apologise for it. It is uncensored so some of the footage is rather distressing; this portrait of the planet is a world away from that found on sedate screensavers.

Nature veteran David Attenborough provides the voiceovers, and thank goodness he does. If any of us mere mortals were confronted with such stupefying sights we’d soon dissolve into hysteria – ‘oh my God… did you see THAT… and THAT…. Wow… LOOK!’ Not Sir David though – his hushed and honeyed tones make him the ultimate usher for this journey into the unbelievable.

Like any high though, there are side effects. It’s addictive – you’ll soon find yourself wondering how you ever got through a weekend without a shot of the savannah or a dose of the desert. It doesn’t last forever, and after a trip across the magnificent Mongolian plains, Monday morning will seem ever more mundane.

And be warned, it may make you act strangely – it’s not uncommon to find oneself planning trips around the world or pledging to buy a high definition television. But don’t talk to Frank – listen to me; the highs outweigh the lows – there’s no excuse for missing this breathtaking beauty.

Majestic and mind-blowing, this will leave you gasping for breath and searching for superlatives. When it comes to Sunday television Planet Earth is king of the jungle. Watch it; revel in it; bow down to it.

Robert Jackman

Top 5 shows to watch in the Fortnight

2006-11-22T12:00:00.005Z

1. Without a Trace (C4, Mon 22:00) – Jack and the team search for a missing agoraphobic agony aunt.

2. Jam and Jerusalem (BBC1, Fri 21:30) – Brand spanking new kooky comedy penned by Jennifer Saunders

3. Torchwood (BBC2, Wed 21:00) - Disappointing though it may be, we can help but love it.

4. Later...with Jools (BBC2, Fri 23:35) - Headlining this week is Las Vegas’ finest , The Killers

5. From Hell (FIVE, Fri 22:00) – Johnny Depp, an intriguing British accent and Jack the Ripper. What’s not to love? A creepy and dark thriller.

Feature - Television X

2006-11-22T12:00:00.004Z

Last week its former Chief Executive claimed it had become a quagmire of titillation and transgression. Is the once innovative and serious channel taking it too far? From cybersex to ‘cockumentaries’ Robert Jackman charts the decline of Channel 4

Television X

Tossers are aplenty on Channel 4. First up there’s slack-jawed prankster Justin Lee Collins whose inane laughing has become a staple of their Friday night schedule. Then there’s silly suburban contortionist David Blaine, whose death defying stunts attract thousands of viewers in the vain hope that this latest one may be the one where it all goes wrong. Even their latest game show host refuses to appear in front of a camera without cosmic etchings on his hand. But this winter, as Channel 4 televises the UK’s first masturbate-a-thon, the question will be more resonant than ever – just why are there so many wankers on Channel 4?

The Masturbate-a-thon in question occurred this summer, when it invited thousands of participants to spill their sperm for sponsorship money. The event raised thousands of pounds for safe sex and HIV charities, whilst helping break down the stigma surrounding masturbation, and Channel 4 claims their televising of a documentary of the event will further spread the safe sex message. How altruistic of them you may think. Indeed they must feel very passionate about safe sex – they’ve commissioned a whole wank week winter. There’s even some educational stuff: Masturbation for Girls promises to take females from clumsy fumbling to nimble finger flurries which would impress Rachmaninoff. But if Sir Jeremy Isaacs is to be believed, the channel has less honourable different motives.

Sir Isaacs, the founding chief executive of the fourth channel, condemns the channel for its obsession with sex. He claims that their desperate pursuit of the teenage and twenty-something audience has meant that the channel has dissolved into a carnal smutfest. The commissioners aren’t concerned whether it’s safe sex or not; they know it’s a safe bet that it’ll bring in the viewers. Rather than challenging taboos, the channel is desperate to find new ones and exploit them and there’s no shortage of ammunition for his argument.

Take recent exploitation extraordinaire The Holy Hottie in which the cameras follow ex-stripper-cum-Christian Heather Veitch. Having found the Holy Spirit after a degrading few years in the bowels of America’s sex industry, Heather has started a ministry aiming to take the Bible message to girls like her. But the x-rated evangelical has another goal; to spice up Christian marriages. Now Heather spends her days preaching Christ to the lap dancers, and lap dancing to the Christians. ‘Of course God wants us to have fun in our marriages’ she giggles as she jiggles on the lap of a girlfriend.

Religion crops up again in God’s Nudists, a show which documents a crew of nudists who believe that covering up is sinful – we should love what the Lord gave us. It’s a shame about the same can’t be said about the women who feature in Designer Vaginas, as filthy Four quiz them over why they’d decided to have surgery to enhance their genitals. Of course it’s normally been breasts which get caught in the cosmetic surgery cyclone – and this phenomenon gets its turn in My Breasts Are Too Big.

The latter may not have raised many eyebrows – breasts are everywhere in our media. But it wasn’t always like this; instead the female body crept in on the back of a tide of lewd advertising, with breasts being used to push everything from cars to alcopops. The penis however, not enjoying the same marketing allure, was largely absent from television. This summer Channel 4 changed all that. And while breasts had slowly waded onto our screens, the penis thrust itself in front of the cameras like a screaming warhead in ‘cockumentary’ The World’s Biggest Penis. Forget Freudian ambiguities – it was pretty hard not to be conscious of this monster.

Not disturbed yet? There’s a lot worse in Four’s appalling archives, like Obscene Machines. The programme charts the marriage of sex and technology, ending up in the darker realms where fantasies are more Cyberman than cybersex. One subject describes his ideal woman as an ‘attractive female…with a silvery metallic bikini and a key in her back’. He tells us that ‘technosexual’ is the ‘politically correct’ way to describe him.

Yes, it may well bring in the ratings, but is this the only way Channel 4 can do that? When it comes to television there’s no shortage of innovative ideas. Think of Big Brother – a show built on a sickeningly simple yet devastating effective formula, and MTV; originally dismissed as ‘radio on the telly’ the channel has snared the attention of teenagers worldwide. The phenomenal growth of websites such as youtube shows a demand for interactive entertainment which could prove a goldmine for television channels – but Channel 4 prefers to opt for the lowest common denominator.

Indeed Channel 4’s orgiastic offerings consciously aim to be pornography. Often it’s only the soundtrack with separates these documentaries from being ‘soft’ pornography. What better example than Lap Dance War, a show which follows the feud between strip club entrepreneurs in 1990s London. While the programme mainly consists of titillating footage of naked women dancing it is strangely dubbed over with footage of academics discussing the effect of Westminster Council laws on lap dancing.

Then there’s Celebrity Sex Tapes where the voice-over offers a sincere apology that they can’t show the more explicit moments of Abi Titmuss’s coke-eyed romp for legal reasons. Oh well, looks like the leering viewers will have to make-do with Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson. And back to Obscene Machines once more, where the programme makers choose creative camerawork rather than disappoint their viewers with clusters of blocky pixels.

Isaacs is right - Channel 4 is a channel which delights in the distasteful; twenty years since its birth, the channel is stuck in a fumbling adolescence offering crass and crude excuses for entertainment. Today they may not struggle to compile a sex-sodden schedule, but one has to wonder what’ll happen once they’ve exhausted all taboos. Until then anyone with more sense than hormones will surely be reaching for the remote rather than the tissues.

Agree? Disagree? Have your say at http://ueaconcretetv.blogspot.com

Neighbours Week 9

2006-11-22T12:00:00.003Z

The Robinson family truly out-do themselves this week, resulting in even Cameron rejecting them for being too twisted. Paul, still carrying on a cringe-inducing affair with Lyn Scully (fifty-year olds cuddling in their dressing gowns is enough to put you right off your lunch), blackmailed Carmella the nun into a night of passion with him if he would keep a children’s shelter open for another year. However she brings two other nuns along with her.

Meanwhile his daughter Elle, in the midst of a serious illness scam to distract Dylan away from pregnant Skye, swallows a chemo tablet and has to be rushed to hospital, which kind of gives the game away. Robert, the crazy evil Robinson twin, escapes from jail and is hunted down by Max to protect Katya, despite him insisting he has nothing other than platonic feelings towards her. After confessing to Susan that she and Karl spent the night together, Izzy learns of some life-changing news from a doctor. And Anne, the creepy blind girl, interferes with Bree’s love life by writing Zeke a letter.

Robert escapes from jail and Max runs him down in order to protect Katya from his evil grasp, but its not Robert lying on his deathbed, it’s actually Cameron. A devastated Paul vows to get revenge on Max and Steph seeks solace in Toadie’s friendship.

Kiera O’Brien

Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares

2006-11-22T12:00:00.002Z

The foul-mouthed chef is back again in the third instalment of Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares. In each episode Gordon Ramsay visits a failing restaurant and attempts to help improve the establishment in just one week. With his passion for food and infamous lack of patience with sloppy standards in the kitchen, he spares no one in his pursuit of restaurant excellence.

What is amazing is the lack of common sense (mostly of hygiene) that the restaurateurs have when it comes to cooking and good service. It is beyond belief that such people are allowed to go near food, let alone serve it to the human population. It’s no surprise that Ramsey lets rip at the bunch of imbeciles.

The first episode featured La Parra, a failing restaurant in the Costa del Sol which had seventy-two dishes on the menu with only one cook, an average waiting time of one hour (if you were lucky), served raw meat which was cooked by torchlight and hanging kebabs which Ramsey remarked looked like “donkey’s dicks”.

The chef’s signature dishes included chicken stuffed with banana and prawns in garlic with a chocolate sauce. The thought is enough to turn your stomach. They even served leftover cooked meat the next day, most likely un-refrigerated. No wonder holiday makers come back with raging tummy aches and hospital inducing diarrhoea. And that is ignoring the sheer amount of grime in the kitchen and the frequent dog poo on the dining area. It was a sight that would have knocked even Kim and Aggie into comas.

There is a bit of verbal abuse on Ramsey’s part, as one may expect, but it is entertaining to see the restaurateurs finally getting their comeuppance, and his blunt and scathing attacks nearly reduced the male owner to tears. These people need some sense battered into them and he is definitely the man to do it. After all, he knows what he’s talking about - he is a multi-award winning chef and all of his restaurants hold Michelin stars, Europe’s highest and most coveted restaurant accolade.

Ramsey is like Marmite, you either love him or you hate him. But he makes for some entertaining television, especially with some of the tripe that is on nowadays. One can only dread what is yet to come as the series goes on.

Natasha Kundaiker

The Six Million Dollar Man

2006-11-22T12:00:00.001Z

The Six Million Dollar Man is a show that puts the cheese back into cheesy puffs. Steve Austin, played by the 70s pop culture icon Lee Majors, is an Astronaut for the US Air Force and is almost fatally injured when his plane unexpectedly crashes damaging vital parts of his body. To restore Steve back to a kind of normality, the government decides to replace the damages with experimental bionic limbs that in effect give him superpowers - heightened eye sight, amplified speed, agility and strength. As payment for the $6 million the government spent on recreating him, Austin finds himself working for the Office of Scientific Intelligence as a secret agent.

Well, what is not to love about this cheesy 70s series with its bad hair dos, dated clothing and naff acting styles. It’s enough to have a good laugh about. With Steve having bionic organs he is able to bend metal with his bare hands and run faster than a car, not to mention his terminator like eye gadget. For its contemporary viewer it was all very exciting, but maybe dated for a more modern audience.

One can see the heavy influence of the early James Bond films, with a similar array of gadgets and the comparable characteristics of Bond and Austin. Austin is not quite as smooth with the ladies but unlike his counterpart he is able to hold a long term relationship. His relationship with Jamie Sommers causes controversy when she gets injured in a sky diving accident and he begs the government to rebuild her with bionic limbs, which conveniently lead to a spin off show called The Bionic Woman.

If you are a fan of the television series of Charlie‘s Angels then you will definitely appreciate this series with its similar content, kitsch style, funky music and colourful mise en scène. Why watch The Six Million Dollar Man? It can be very intelligent when it wants to be, funny when it needs to be and maintains a level of excitement and fun, possibly offering a more insightful way to spend an afternoon, where we think back to a time when six million dollars was a lot of money and American technology could produce wonders like a functional cyborg.

Andrew Stafford

Countdown

2006-11-22T12:00:00.000Z

It’s a little known fact that the first ever programme to be broadcasted on Channel 4 was Countdown. It seems bizarre that a channel regarded as being cutting edge started with a modest Scrabble-based game show.

But the phenomenon of Countdown is one of the most interesting stories in British television. For instance, did you know that a Labour MP was so impressed with the educational benefit of the show that he tabled a motion to have it moved to an after-school slot? Did you know that the prize for the series winner is a leather-bound Oxford English Dictionary worth a staggering £4,000? And that one contestant once declined it on behalf of his strict veganism? With over 4,000 episodes, it is one of the longest-running game shows in the world.

Back then viewers questioned what on earth compelled Channel 4 to choose Countdown as their first offering, but whatever strange affection it was, nowadays we all share it. Countdown has made Britain think; it has made Britain laugh and last year it made Britain mourn. Over twenty years later, Countdown has educated Britons in the joy of lex and has risen to cult status. Here’s to twenty more years.

Robert Jackman

Editorial - Issue 196

2006-11-21T11:00:00.000Z

The new issue is out and as you can see we have a new style - and we're not breaking it to you gently. The Event TV is becoming more opinionated, more critical and frankly more interesting. No more timidity or pussy-footing around - we are gonna tell it like it is, and if you don't like it...well, you can tell us online! This is your chance to discuss and voice your opinion. So, what is on offer this week?

Robert Jackman takes on the big news story of the week in Television X, a look at just why Channel 4 is so obsessed with sex. Channel 4 has some amazing programmes (Green Wing and Shameless to name a few) and it has arguably one of the best news coverages around - but it all seems to get tainted with the increasing amount of tripe sex documentaries. I can still remember channel flicking a few weeks ago and getting a horrifying glimpse of 'The Real Blue Nuns', a programme which tried to make pornography into documentary, complete with 'serious' voice overs and historical facts. Next week they have 'The Perfect Penis' - to be honest, who really cares?

It's disappointing that a channel that has such fantastic and innovative dramas and comedies, take it to the other end of the spectrum by justifying the programmes as catering for all aspects of its audience, painting the largely 'soft' porn shows as documentaries - but isn't that one of the reasons we have multi-channel broadcasting? Do the general public need to be subjected to this kind of programming? Yes, we can all just change the channel or switch off, but is there justification for these kinds of shows?

Andrew Stafford takes a look at the 70s kitsch show The Six Million Dollar Man, Robert Jackman brings us some interesting trivia about our beloved Countdown and Kiera O'Brien gives us the lowdown on the eventful week of Neighbours. Our Primetime show is Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare where we take a look at what makes the show so interesting.

Last week I went to the Sci-Fi film fair at the uni, spent too much money but bought a beautiful LOTR Elves of Middle Earth figure set. Sad i know, but it was too pretty to resist. Saw The Prestige which was awesome, one of the best films i've seen in a while (also considering the last few were snakes on a plane, taladega nights and borat - the things we do for journalism...), and The Last King of Scotland at a preview screening, which was a very intersting and a personal perspective on one man's experience with Idi Amin.

On Wednesday, we had our 1st Concrete vs. Livewire laser quest, which Concrete unfortunately lost, but cos of gun malfunctions I happened to be on the winning team! I think it was fate...since I was Gollum on the red team and then went to the dark side as Batman. Following that we had Jane's 21st birthday (our news editor) at Po Na Na's, in which I was approached by a livewire member, they shall remain unnamed, who was very rude about disagreeing with our reviews and herby I feel the need to defend myself. Our TV reviews are all opinions and because of that people are bound to disagree. I like Scrubs more than Green Wing - and that's just preference, not fact. Fair enough Robin Hood has gone down hill, and one can only gauge what is to come from what we have seen, but there is no need to be cruel about reviews. Voice your opinion (which is why we've set up this blog), but just because you don't agree it doesn't give you free reign to be spiteful.

This week we have our TV and Film Social on Wednesday 22nd Nov to see Casino Royale, the new Bond film with the talented Mr Daniel Craig. Yes he is a rougher Bond than Brosnan, but maybe they are trying to bring back the Connery feel to the character. We are meeting outside the Odeon Riverside for 6:30 and then going for drinks afterwards. Please come along, it will be an awesome evening.

Also this Sunday 26th Nov we have the Media Party 2006 in the LCR, hosted by Concrete, Livewire and Nexus. Livewire wil be DJ-ing and we'll be having societies performing throughout the night. Tickets are £1 and you can buy them from the concrete office or the box office. It will be a great chance to mingle with other societies and meet new people so make sure you buy a ticket.

Make sure you take a look at the new Jennifer Saunders comedy Jam and Jerusalem starting this Friday on BBC1 at 21:30, which features some of the jems of British Comedy such as Dawn French, Joanna Lumly and Sue Johnston.

Natasha Kundaiker

ASBO Teen to Beauty Queen (FIVE Wed 8pm)

2006-11-21T10:53:00.000Z

We all know the rule – the good reality television shows are the ones which attract lots of viewers, but the truly memorable reality shows are the ones which inspire countless clones. Think how Bad Lads’ Army inspired Brat Camp, and how Celebrity Love Island emulated I’m a Celebrity. And it’s by that logic that we can now count ITV’s compelling Ladette to Lady as firmly among the reality greats.

For just after a few weeks after the acclaimed series due to a hilarious close, along comes another show based on exactly the same premise. While the rest of us were devouring the final treats of Ladette, Channel 5 had their lawyers at their desks working out how to dodge trademarks and sidestep copyrights.

And here’s their finished product: ASBO Teen to Beauty Queen follows nine mutinous Mancunians minxes as they swap their hoodies for high heels and their tracksuits for tiaras in an attempt to woo the judges at an American beauty pageant. From its rhyming title to the weekly expulsions, the show is an unashamed clone of Ladette. But as we witness the outspoken brats’ transformation into elegant belles, the real question is whether it will prove to be as hellaciously engaging.

The first episode follows the sneering rebels as they head for a makeover – it’s time to ditch New Look and go for a new look. This is the show’s first fault: whereas in Ladette etiquette was enforced, the mentors in ASBO only seem concerned with how the girls look. But perhaps we can take as a reflection on the sickeningly superficial pageant veteran in charge of the girls – botox battleaxe Michelle Fryatt.

So while there’s plenty of hair curling, blow drying and manicuring the mentors make little attempt to curb the girls’ behaviour. The anti-social behaviour is left to flow freely; viewers witness bitching, bellowing and blasphemy in abundance – but nothing particularly entertaining.
Indeed most of the entertainment seems to come from the struggle of peroxide pest Michelle Fryatt herself. Painfully vain and depressingly vacant; imagine Miss Havisham with a splash of Mean Girls and you’re almost there.

Oh, and then there’s the witticism of the teenage tearaways. ‘I look like a bloody drag queen; not a beauty queen!’ one girl retorts after a few hours attention from a beautician; even Fryatt herself would have chuckled, if it weren’t for the layers of make-up clamping her face. One episode in and there’s been nothing remarkable. But of course the real fun will come when the Manchester mob reach the Chicago based pageant.

Watching this flock collide with the world of pushy parents and plastic preppies should provide riotous viewing. Beauty pageants are notorious for being vicious – but these bitches have the bite as well as the bark.

Robert Jackman

Films on the small screen: 18-24 NOV 2006

2006-11-14T21:00:00.000Z

Saturday 18
The French Connection (BBC1 11:45pm) - Gene Hackman stars in his oscar winning role as as wild-card NYC cop 'Popeye' Doyle, where him and his partner in the Narcotics Bureau stumble onto a drug smuggling job with a French connection.

Sunday 19
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (C4 20:00) - Two Words.....Bloody Fantastic!
Memoirs of an Invisible Man (BBC1 11:45pm) - Comedy starring Chevy Chase and Sam Neil. Hijinks, curious accidents and invisibility, one can only imagine where they'd take this...

Monday 20
Raising Arizona (BBC1 11:45pm) - Nic Cage* and Holly Hunter star as a childless couple, one an ex-con and the other and ex-cop, who decide to kidnap one of a set of famous Arizona quintuplets. A Choen Brothers comedy with a delicious mix of surrealism and sentimentality.

Tuesday 21
Jerry Maguire (C4 22:00) - Tom Crusie stars as sports agent Jerry Maguire in this unusual romantic comedy drama. An infectiously warm, witty and tear-jerking film. Look out for a fantastic and funny Oscar-winning turn by Cuba Gooding Jr, and a pre-Bridget Jones Renee Zellweger.

Wednesday 22
Snake Eyes (Five 21:00) When the US Secretary of Defence is assassinated in full view of a huge audience gathered in a casino for a boxing championship, its up to detective Nic Cage to find out who pulled that trigger and unravel an ever-widening conspiracy. A dissapointing thriller, but something to watch when there's nothing else on.
Pleasantville (BBC1 11:35pm) - Tobey Maguire and Reese Witherspoon play sparring siblings who, while fighting over the TV remote control, get zapped inside "Pleasantville", black and white 1950s re-run show. A must see witty and affectionate comedy.

Friday 24
I Spy (Five 20:00) Murphy and Wilson...entertaining comedy or just shambolic? Good for a few cheap laughs but no real depth.
From Hell (Five 22:00) - Johnny Depp, complete with British accent, looks into the Jack the Ripper case. Period Horror Flick starring Robbie Coltrane and Heather Graham.
Honeymoon in Vegas (BBC1 11:35) - Comedy starring Nic Cage*, Sarah Jessica Parker and James Cann

*3 movies with Nic Cage on this week...i know he's a fab actor but whats with the obsession? Next week it'll probably be Con Air amonst other things

Primetime - Lock them up or let them out (BBC2 Mon 9pm)

2006-11-14T17:00:00.000Z

Lock them up or let them out – a question which the Parole Board are faced with every day. While they hold a position that very few people envy, many do not hesitate to criticise their decisions. For it is their responsibility to decide whether prisoners are reformed and should be set free, or whether it is in society’s interest to keep them locked up.

This three-part documentary attempts to provide a unique insight into how that decision is made. It follows the board as they consider whether a series of prisoners should be locked up or let out. The title may serve as a friendly invite for us to pass judgement, but don’t be fooled – this is no easy decision.

Their dilemma is gargantuan. They must balance the prisoner’s hope of rehabilitation with the fear of society’s safety; they must pit the sincerity of the prisoner’s apology against the heinousness of their crimes. It’s a grim predicament fraught with emotion, fear and pity – and this series captures it all fantastically.

Admittedly segments of the footage are rather sensationalised. The programme loses some of its credibility as arsonist Michael chuckles and describes his crime as ‘brilliant’. And when another prisoner is described as labouring from a G-d complex, it’s at the expense of the empathy which makes the rest of the film so effective.

But it is the plight of Barry, the third prisoner, which makes the most compelling viewing. The camera documents Barry in a series of interviews. Here he offers clinically honest accounts of his armed robbery career before explaining how he has spent the last few months making business plans for if he is released; it has given him a hope in this mercilessly bleak underworld. But this flicker of optimism is soon at the mercy of the parole board. Barry is a man of two sides – but which one will influence the decision of the board?

Prison is clearly a world where nothing is as it seems; one must always look twice. Not that this advice is of any use to the parole board: thanks to cutbacks in the parole service, the decision is no longer made following a meeting with the offender; instead the parole board only look at the prisoner’s file.

In its pursuance of the prisoners, the documentary uncovers a few of the harrowing truths about Britain’s prison system, with adult illiteracy to drug dependency portrayed harrowingly. But the programme avoids the allure of dogma, and is all the more potent for it.

Welcome to a realm where television uses ‘reality’ to enlighten rather than exploit and to teach rather than titillate. Lock Them Up Or Let Them Out takes a Dostoyevskian dive into the darkest recesses of the human mind, shattering stereotypes and startling the status quo. Provocative and alarming stuff – this is television at its most powerful.

Robert Jackman

Soaps - Hollyoaks

2006-11-09T15:00:00.004Z

Joyriding in Chester was bound to go wrong! Soon after crashing a stolen car, panicked Ste fled the scene leaving fellow classmates behind to deal with the mess. In a critical state and desperately needing medical assistance Amy was rushed to hospital. The Barnes family hurried to her side and awaited further news, although were left in the dark when attending doctors discovered Amy was pregnant.

Foz’s mother was in town and on a mission to brighten up the lives around her. Whilst Nancy indulged her interesting views, Foz remained calm and collected with his opinions. Nancy subsequently decided to campaign for Becca’s innocence. Max was excited about starting his own family with Clare and giving Tom some stability. However Clare had her own agenda that didn’t involve children.

Back at the hospital Amy woke up terrified at the thought that her parents knew about the pregnancy. Ste was later found hiding in the village by a furious Fletch. Michaela wasn’t interested in helping Amy when they were all summoned to court, leaving their friendship up in turmoil. Yet to come, who will win the competition to be the editor of the student newspaper – Will or Jessica?

Amanda Lim

Primetime - Torchwood - BBC2 Wed 9pm

2006-11-09T15:00:00.003Z

If you haven’t heard of Torchwood, where have you been? Under a rock? It’s been extensively advertised, from trailers at the cinema to the side of almost every Norwich bus. Russell T. Davies’ long-awaited sci-fi crime drama, which is ostensibly aimed at a more adult audience (hence the post-watershed time slot, assortment of sexual references and occasional f-words), follows the activities of the third Torchwood Institute, situated in Cardiff. Leading the team is the enigmatic and charming Captain Jack Harkness, played by John Barrowman.

When we last saw Captain Jack, he was stranded on a satellite thousands of years in the future after facing a Dalek invasion to protect The Doctor and Rose. Now he’s back on earth, heading the fight, tasked (among other things) to keep an eye on the space-time rift that runs through Cardiff, and whatever washes through it. Though a lot of the filming seems like an advert to visit Cardiff, it’s a nice relief to see real places instead of the dubious sets made to look like London or other cities.

The first two episodes were disappointing, bearing in mind the hype to be expected of a show that is trying to set up the premise and reach a bigger audience than just Doctor Who fans. Our introduction to Torchwood is through the eyes of Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles), a feisty Welsh policewoman who, to satisfy her own curiosity, tracks down the team and discovers the truth behind the special-ops organisation. Viewers are thrust into Gwen’s shoes, striving for answers to impossible circumstances. Surprisingly, she seems to cope well with the revelation that aliens do exist.

Gwen is very much the moral compass for the team who, through their work with aliens and alien technology, have lost touch with humanity. She acts as a reminder that they are in a position to help people, not just to scavenge technology. Eve Myles manages to play both the intelligent and innocent civilian convincingly, and blends well into the team of misfits, which include the irritating know-it-all whiz kid Owen (Burn Gorman), technical expert Toshiko (Naoko Mori) and receptionist/general support man Ianto (Gareth David-Lloyd).

Though they are a team, you get the feeling that no-one really knows each other. Trust is definitely an issue from the first episode, which makes for interesting viewing as the audience gets to know the characters just as they begin to really understand each other.

The series picks up after the introductory episodes, however does not manage to sustain an interesting or innovative feel in comparison to the higher end sci-fi shows such as Battlestar Galactica. It seems to lack the narrative fineness of Doctor Who, instead using depthless emotional stories to draw readers in without much resolution. The episodes are stand-alone but don’t seem to refer back to each other. What happened to Ianto and his ‘betrayal’? Something so significant can’t just be ignored completely in the next episode.

If you love Doctor Who, Torchwood is a mild delight. The little references back to it’s parent show, such as the Doctor’s hand that the Sycorax leader cut off in The Christmas Invasion, make it all the more interesting, adding depth to the fan-dubbed ‘Who-niverse’. And for non-who-fans, it still makes for an entertaining and action-packed 50 minutes, bringing a introduction into a fantasy sci-fi world. There are some fantastic one-liners (“I’d like to see CSI Cardiff - they’d be measuring the velocity of a kebab”), and not to forget – John Barrowman.

Natasha Kundaiker

Soaps - Neighbours

2006-11-09T15:00:00.002Z

Forget cringeworthy comedy between Karl and Janelle (a warm-up for pantomime season methinks) and celebrity cameos; for the next two weeks of Neighbours, gripping drama is firmly back on the agenda.

Next week Lou arrives back from Russia, but his strange behaviour (and an even stranger tattoo) baffles the residents. Elsewhere, Izzy, enraged with jealousy, threatens to reveal Paul’s darkest secret to Lynn – she knows he’s a bit of a lady-killer, but she doesn’t know the half of it.

First Fight Club, now The Tulip Touch; Bree finds a new friend, but her strange behaviour soon alarms the rest of the Timmins clan – could Erinsborough’s next villain be hiding behind those curly blonde locks?

Karl moves in with the Kinskis but his relationship with Susan is soon under strain. Dogged by nightmares of his night spent with Izzy, Karl confesses all to Susan, and suddenly their relationship is hostage to history - if you’re hoping for steady romance between Susan and Karl, then you’d best stick to UK Gold.

The Robinson offspring continue to be the source of problems as Elle, blinded by her passion for Dylan, concocts a reckless scheme which leaves her own life in danger. And after a terrifying few weeks, Katya finds friendly comfort in Max – but as they head for a weekend away, can the sideburned sleazebag resist temptation?

Robert Jackman

DVD Review - 24 Season 5

2006-11-09T15:00:00.001Z

After going into hiding at the end of Season 4, venerable hero and general tough guy Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) quickly gets sucked back into his old, action-packed lifestyle early into season 5 of 24. The series starts with a bang: the assassination of former president David Palmer, a particularly shocking opening scene for long-running fans of the show. All the evidence points to Jack as the killer, but it’s obvious that he’s innocent. At its best, the nail-biting tension and action sequences are still prominent during much of the season.

However, much of season 5 is less dramatic than the previous days of 24. In the second half of the series, Jack is forced to roam around the country in a defiant bid to rescue a chip from the government. Unlike a similar plot in season 2, Jack is unable to fight many of his adversaries: the government agents are mostly innocent and hurting them would likely be deemed unacceptable by the show's sponsors and American audiences. The show tries to slide tension back into the show by adding more and more terrorist plots that kill more and more innocent civilians, but the producers forget that the audience has no attachment to these characters, drowns everything with an air of pastiche. The violence is close to being comical, yet the show is still demanding to be taken seriously.

At first it might seem like 24, with its serial plot, was a show perfectly suited to DVD. However, the show's weaknesses shine through when you watch them without a week long break in between each episode. It's the building of this tension that provides 24 with most of its dramatic impact, and by robbing this the DVD boxset of season 5 just reminds you that the show wasn't as good as it used to be.

Martin Gaston

Classic TV - Queer as Folk

2006-11-09T15:00:00.000Z

Back in the nineties everybody was talking about Queer as Folk. Some were talking about the excessive sex; some were talking about the reckless drug use; some were talking about the appalling language; but most were talking about how bloody good it was.

The acclaimed Queer as Folk follows the lives of three friends. There’s the enigmatic hedonist Stuart (Aidan Gillen); a sexual superhero capable of seducing a man using a PowerPoint presentation. There’s sci-fi fan Vince (Craig Kelly); Stuart’s shy acolyte. And there’s Nathan (Charlie Hunnam): a fifteen year old boy who hasn’t so much come out of the closet as exploded out of it. Nathan hits the Manchester gay scene loaded with hormones and enthusiasm, but lacking in subtlety and tact.

Yes it’s shocking, but don’t let that put you off. As Oscar Wilde said ‘There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.’ Admittedly, Queer as Folk isn’t a book; it’s a drama series, but then again it’s not well written; it’s brilliantly written.

Robert Jackman

Top 5 shows to watch in the Fortnight

2006-11-09T13:00:00.001Z

1. Torchwood (BBC2, Wednesday 9pm) – Because we can’t get enough of John Barrowman…

2. Planet Earth – (BBC1, Sunday 9pm) – yes it’s back! Be prepared for breath-taking beauty.

3. Look Around You (BBC2, Wednesday 22.20) – A third series of this wickedly satirical and deliciously silly comedy.

4. Goldplated (Channel 4, Wednesday 10pm) – Alderley Edge in Cheshire; where money is plentiful yet morals are scare.

5. Unanimous (Channel 4, Friday 10pm) – What do you get if you cross Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with that process they use to elect a new pope?

Feature - GROWING PAINS

2006-11-09T13:00:00.000Z

We’ve seen them through the trials and tribulations of high school, ups and downs of relationships and now we’re following them into the world of the silver screen. Neil Huitson takes a look at the array of teen stars trying to make the leap into Hollywood

GROWING PAINS

Television in general is a notoriously difficult position from which to launch an assault upon the silver screen, but the transition has traditionally proved doubly difficult when an actor is making the leap from a show aimed squarely at the teenage market. As the largest and most loyal demographic of the television audience, teenagers bring an unparalleled degree of zealousness to their weekly viewing. Characters in teen dramas invariably inspire an exceptional degree of personal association amongst their audience, perhaps because the self-doubt so intrinsic to our teenage years motivates us to embrace a feeling of kinship or shared experience wherever we may find it, from the docks of Capeside to the hallways of Harbor High School.

Such an avid and emotionally invested following can prove both a blessing and a curse to actors portraying the characters, especially when they look to move on to cinematic pastures. On the one hand, only the most glittering of the glitterati can boast as high a degree of recognition and as loyal an audience, as can an actor recently graduated from teen-TV. On the other hand, this truth only extends as far as movies aimed at the same teen market as the show the actor has just come from, with studios proving understandably dubious that the actor can bring his audience with him to more mature material or that the actor themselves has anything to recommend them above the thousand other potential casting choices once they have been removed from the narrow parameters of teen entertainment. This latter constraint typically ensures that a teen actor’s first Hollywood steps are into safe and comfortable territory.

The logic goes like this: get your foot in the door of Hollywood and eventually, once you have established yourself as a big-screen presence, you can begin testing the waters of more diverse and mature material. A particularly popular method of pursuing this course of action is to take a role in a horror film, because although horror has traditionally been the staple of teenagers as far back as the 1950’s drive-ins, it also offers tremendous crossover appeal to a more mature audience, meaning a greater degree of recognition and marketability once the actor finally steps out of the teen pond and into the ocean of grown-up Hollywood.

Neve Campbell was one of the first and arguably the most successful in pursuing this route to superstardom, supplementing her final year on Party Of Five with The Craft and the first instalment of the Scream trilogy. Once the latter and its 1997 sequel established her as a big-screen actress, Campbell attempted to complete her transition from the teen market with date-movies for the twenty-somethings (Hairshirt, Three To Tango) and more risqué roles intended to establish her as a sex symbol for men rather than just prepubescent boys (three words: threesome. Denise. Richards). If the films with which she chose to make the transition had not been uniformly dreadful, then perhaps Campbell would not have taken a step backwards onto well-treaded ground with Scream 3 and from there drift into direct-to-video obscurity.

Sarah Michelle Gellar appears now to be at exactly the same stage at which it all went wrong for Campbell. She has served her time in movies pandering specifically to the Buffy demographic (Simply Irresistible, Cruel Intentions, Harvard Man), and is in the midst of her scream-queen phase (The Grudge, The Return), set to reach for indie credibility by playing a pornstar in Richard Kelly’s Donnie Darko follow-up Southland Tales. Gellar seems particularly aware of the necessity of crossover appeal, as she is also slated to appear in a romantic comedy alongside Alec Baldwin and will be voicing a citizen of Fairy Tale Land in kiddie’s animation Happily N’Ever After. The former Buffy Summers must be particularly motivated to become a serious Hollywood player, because with the power such status would bring she could help revive husband Freddie Prinze Jr’s moribund career by insisting he be given some extra work on her films.

Conversely, Joshua Jackson didn’t even get as far as making that first foray into more mature material and today stands as testament to the dangers of playing it safe. As demonstrated by 2005’s Cursed, Jackson seems to be stuck in the same teen flicks he must have viewed five years ago as mere stepping-stones to assist his post-Dawson’s Creek film career. It could all have been so different for the star of such quintessentially teen fare as The Skulls and Gossip had he made it ahead of Christian Bale from the final shortlist of eight and landed the role of Batman in last year’s first instalment of the rejuvenated franchise. The same could be said of David ‘Angel’ Boreanaz, another contender to wear the cape and cowl, last seen in the direct-to-video Crow follow-up and back in TV-land starring in Bones.

It is two of Jackson’s co-stars on Dawson’s Creek that have made the biggest impact on Hollywood, though for very different reasons. Michelle Williams was afforded the credibility as a serious actress, so craved by her former teen-TV peers, the moment she was announced as a nominee in the Best Supporting Actress category at this year’s Oscars for her role in Brokeback Mountain. The acting career of Katie Holmes, on the other hand, has become secondary to her role as girlfriend/fiancé/Kool-Aid-drinking-automaton of Tom Cruise. That her production schedule has ground to a halt is a shame, given that she seemed poised to became a bona-fide A-list actress based on her 2005 combination of roles as leading lady in blockbuster Batman Begins and sexually manipulative journalist in the small-scale yet critically acclaimed Thank You For Smoking.

Of the current crop of hot young things, it is hard to see any of the cast of Smallville escaping the typecasting that inevitably comes with playing such iconic characters. One Tree Hill is as yet still free from the sound of itchy feet racing for the exit, with those cast members most likely to move on to bigger and better things, seemingly content limiting their forays into film to teen flicks shot during filming breaks between series. With Mischa Barton having already left and the remaining ‘core four’ having grown beyond the original premise and locale of the show, the current season of The OC could be the last before we have to bid Seth, Summer and Ryan a fond farewell. Adam Brody is not only the poster boy for the current ‘geek chic' fashion trend, but has proven his big-screen potential with scene-stealing turns in Mr and Mrs Smith, The Ring and Thank You For Smoking. Rachel Bilson will this month attempt to emulate her real-life boyfriend’s progress by playing the fragile temptress role alongside fellow television alumni Zach Braff in The Last Kiss. As for Benjamin Mackenzie, aside from the inevitable role as Russell Crowe’s son, his potential film career does not bode too well given his training at the Labrador school of acting (tilt head to side, look quizzical/deep). Admittedly, Orlando Bloom gradated from the same school and today is one of the hottest properties in Hollywood. But then Orlando Bloom never starred in a drama aimed at teenagers.

Ladette to Lady

2006-10-10T11:30:00.000Z

There’s something discomforting about the term ‘re-education’. To my mind it conjures up images of subversive religious cults and Orwellian mind control; even Microsoft Word’s timid thesaurus levels the term with ‘brainwashing’. But with Ladette to Lady, a programme in which binge-drinking ladettes are ‘reeducated’ into morally-upright ladies, ITV have given the term far more horrifying connotations.

The idea for the programme is something you’d expect from a drunken Daily Telegraph reader. Begin with a montage of the ladettes fighting and training, send the girls to Finishing School and force them into a series of ‘character building’ exercises (watch out for one disgusting scene in which the girls are forced to pluck and disembowel birds) and then the ladies-in-training will attend an aristocratic dinner party, we’ll give them a few drinks and maybe they’ll make that jolly old faux-pas when one, you know, mentions one’s clitoral piercing at the dinner table. Not content with this recipe of snobbish humour and self-righteousness, ITV add a sprinkling of the more sinister. In one of the more ghastly scenes, the ladies-in-training are told of their role at the dinner party.

They must be ‘tantalising’ but not ‘tacky’; they must be ‘sport’ for the ‘hunters’.
And that’s the most disturbing thing about the programme. Strip away the humour and the women are merely being manipulated from prey for leering hair-gelled apes into prey for tweed-clad bourgeois hypocrites. They’re being groomed the way the boys sitting smugly at the top of our class system (well, the scum always floats to the top, doesn’t it boys?) would like them.

Like with Wife Swap, the most entertaining feature is the seismic culture clash between the ladettes and the aristocrats. I’d use the term ‘clash of civilisations’, but it’s absurd to describe either side as anything like ‘civilised’. You see I find the idea of ‘lay back and think of England’ equally offensive as the excesses of ladette culture, so for me this programme feels like that playground game where you imagine up two distressing situations and make your friend pick one. And what a dilemma it is - it’s either pole dancing and drinking your weight in WKD, or it’s foot binding and chastity belts – you HAVE to choose one.

So is this merely harmless entertainment? No, it’s quite the opposite. It’s a stark reminder of the need to place ethical shackles on reality television. It’s a sadistic display of the infallibility of reality television. If such brainwashing and degrading treatment was being practiced in a Middle Eastern state then everyone would be quick to label it an appalling abuse of ‘human rights’, but since it’s all in the name of reality television, it’s just good primetime entertainment.

Robert Jackman